Peace and Uncertainty: Mutually Exclusive?
Not always! Today is my birthday and so much has changed over this last year. Even as I am writing now there is quite a bit happening in my life. I have changed drastically over the course of this year. I have been reflecting for some days now…God has been so gracious to me! The two things I wanted the most I have not accomplished. In fact earlier this year I completely gave up on ever being married and having children. I started to “prepare” myself mentally because I honestly felt like God had given me a no in this area. It plunged me into such a deep depressive and oppressive state that God Himself had to dig me out of the funk.
However, I was not ready for marriage nor to become a mother. Oftentimes we feel like when we start our recovery process that it automatically qualifies us for some things. God knew that although He had begun the good work of emotional healing and restoration, I still had so much more to learn. And in the process He gifted me with some awesome accomplishments. This blog is one of them. Probably the only one I’ll mention…
So yes, I am still in transition. I have been reading a lot, learning a lot, slowing down some, and really working on myself. I have been absent from posting because I have not “received” any inspiration to write. Those close to me know that if it is not authentic I won’t write. I have been given added ministerial responsibilities at church, and a lot of days I do feel quite overwhelmed to be honest. Even as I am writing now, there is this overwhelming sense of inexplicable uncertainty but I have such a deep level of peace. It is absolutely mystifying.
I normally have a back up plan for my back up plan. My planning and organizational skills are both a gift and the bane of my existence. I plan A through Z then do the additional planning in roman numerals. Yes! That is me! But I am changing. Normally when things go wrong, I cannot stop until I find a fix. It is like I am stuck. When things don’t go according to plan I get extremely frustrated and snappy and I can’t seem to move forward. But, I am changing. I hardly recognize myself anymore.
As I am sitting here writing this, my phone isn’t working. Of all the days Lord? When I would really like to be able to access whatsapp. I have so many upcoming events all being planned and the primary means of communication has been whatsapp. Am I freaking out? Surprisingly no. It is not that I have a fix for this moisture error that won’t seem to go away so that I can charge my phone. I have tried the rice thing et cetera and yet the error persists. I don’t necessarily have the wherewithal to purchase a new one either. Am I sad? Yeah a little. I know a couple friends who would be calling today. The fact is I cannot do anything about it right now so why mope? And it is not that I have adopted some laissez faire approach to living. I think God is up to something and that He is indeed testing me. He has been mostly silent these days. And so most of my days I spend sitting in silence earnestly listening and searching. I have grown to really love silence….
I feel like I am rambling on pointlessly…I mean my computer is acting drunk and I had to restart it in the middle of this post. Then again I did spill half a glass of merlot into it on Saturday…and I did not lose my mind!! So I guess the point I am trying to make is that God has done a great work. Trusting Him in this season looks like uncertainty mixed with peace. I don’t have most of the answers I am seeking. A lot of things are quite haywire at the moment. I have retreated to privacy concerning the happenings in my life and I am quietly celebrating my wins while quietly reflecting on the “losses”.
It is quite evident that God wants me all to Himself today…so as I get ready to end this post, I’ll say a few things more. I am extremely grateful that I finally have true friendships. I am grateful that some things, places, and people I thought that I could not live without I am indeed thriving without. Don’t get me wrong, they were not all bad, but codependency is not God’s perfect will for anyone. I am grateful that I can actually enjoy silence. I am grateful for my emotional healing and wellness. I posted some photos today and what you see on the outside is a reflection of what God has done on the insides. I am grateful for the tremendous opportunities this blog has created for me. Thank you all for reading, praying and waiting [im]patiently for the next post…
What does your transition look like currently? Do you have God’s peace in the midst of your uncertainty?