I wasn’t sure how to title this piece. This is actually going to be verbatim of a message I sent on whatsapp to my accountability partners. However, let me preface it by saying that yesterday was a rough day emotionally for me. Suffice it to say, it is hard loving a person that you are not sure will ever love you back. God has commissioned me to pray for someone who is near and dear to my heart. Someone for whom I have tremendous affection. In my eyes, I am never sure if this person is even capable of loving me in the way I perceive I would want them to. So yesterday I was just extremely crushed, to the point of depression. I questioned God repeatedly about what I heard. I asked Him again, why do I love this person this much and I asked again for clarity. I wanted to know, if what I heard two years ago was God speaking or me hearing what I wanted to hear and attributing it to God. The silence is always resounding. This one area of my life has been the hardest to sacrifice. So this morning I wrote…
God is after sorting out my motive and my heart…maybe I have a lot of Isaacs and Jireh has a ram in the thicket, He just wants me to see how much I trust Him because He already knows. I’m learning to really process my thoughts…today feels like a different day in comparison to yesterday. I really questioned myself a lot. I’ve come to one conclusion, whatever I want or desire is irrelevant. When I surrendered to God, I walked away from all of that. It doesn’t mean I will not get what I originally wanted, it means I trust God to give it back to me should He see fit. God is transforming my mind. But in order to do so, I need to see what my thoughts are then align those with His word. In my quiet time when I listen to Him and I offer my praise in spite of how I’m feeling He’s going to honour that. Yesterday I played Jireh, You are Enough no less than 20x. At first it seemed like it wasn’t working. It seemed like the song wasn’t getting anywhere. But by the end of the night it was evident that my spirit had received it. I can’t fix what I don’t know. I can’t obey what I don’t know. And that was a part of my conversation with God…if You don’t tell me Your will, how can I do it Abba?
The depression has lifted. I’m not exceedingly happy but I have a peace and quiet in my soul. Whatever happens it is well. I told Him this morning that I will not settle for less than His best and that is in every aspect of my life. At times it will be hard but it is not impossible because I serve the possible God.
So I am in a quiet mood…really pensive mood and while I’m waiting for God to really speak, I’ll worship as I wait…my whole being is open.
I find that this wrestling happens when my focus shifts from the spiritual to the natural (thanks Aunty Milli – you didn’t even realise you were being used…neither did I). It is the natural that is governed by deadlines. I guess I’m struggling to fully sacrifice the natural but whatever it takes this morning that’s what I will do…it’s not an easy statement because God is not necessarily obligated to me and meeting my desires but He did say to seek first His kingdom and righteousness.
The very way He made me and my ability to organize a task, start it and execute with perfection is the same thing that is the most problematic in my ability to trust HIm.
But He is fixing me…processing me so that I can have the right balance…
Will you let Him do the same for you?