Can I be real with you guys? Last weekend was a rough one for me! I hit a low that I have not experienced since the early days of my current journey. I literally no longer wanted to exist. I wasn’t suicidal but I was just exhausted and no longer wanted to exist. I verbally shellacked the Lord…I mean even tears avoided me and it was as if God was just not having it (He is the perfect parent and knows when to give in and when to stand His ground). You see, I am a very strong-willed person and I love having my own way. Sigh.
I am a work in progress don’t you dare judge me! I have been “working on” giving God full control of my life. Circumstances and past experiences have taught me that in order to protect myself I need to control every variable. I’ve gotten better at delegating tasks and not micromanaging. I have lessened my expectation of nothing but perfection from everyone, myself included. I have been less paranoid and in general more pleasant to be around (ask my siblings and close friends, they will tell you!). However, this is an area that is really difficult for me. And so on Saturday night into Sunday I started sinking. I cannot even begin to tell you what really started or continued it. I reached out to some of my prayer partners but I could not shake it. I mean on Sunday I did not even want to go to church! There I was bawling and my mom hugging me saying that I needed to go deep and pull through this.
However, the emotions got worse after I got this message from a new found dear spiritual mother. She doesn’t even realise that God has been steadily using her “spiritual tidbits” to work on this area of my life. I didn’t even realise it either until this weekend when the proverbial excrement hit the fence and God got really real with me. What? I said what I said…it hit the fence and it was ginormous! In response to the many things I said on Sunday she responded: “I was here praying for you and I see the Lord saying what He wants for you He cannot afford to have you (your current status) impede it. The pouring out has to come till there is no more Gaye-Leon . Your very attitude now shows you are still very much alive and well. It’s almost like you are throwing a spiritual tantrum because you can’t [have] what you want when you want it. Like any good parent He is waiting you out then He will calmly say, ready now to have your veggies? You won’t bypass the process.” The moment I read it, I knew she was right. Sigh. I sank guys. It is almost like I would rather die than allow God to process me because process means time!
I mean, I just don’t like to wait. So we’ve been dating 3 months, how is it that you haven’t proposed yet? Man, I did 2 pushups and 1 squat, how comes I don’t have a 6 pack yet? I asked you to wash the dishes, why aren’t they done 5 minutes before I asked you? Yes guys…I admit to the whole world today that I have a serious issue with waiting. I want what I want and I want it yesterday…not even right now…yesterday. I mean I have made progress and I am really growing but this is the biggest crux of every battle with God these days. It’s almost as if I say to Him, Daddy I have done everything You’ve asked of me, why can I not have what You’ve promised me?
It is not that in seeking first the Kingdom and His righteousness that all things won’t be added. Nor is it that He won’t grant me the desires of my heart because I really love the Lord. I do. I really do. It is just that my concept of time and His are very different. So the grief of Sunday was because I was in verity throwing a tantrum and God was not having it. I felt so ashamed too because I realise that my biggest hindrance is me! That is tough to endure because God doesn’t want to “undo” old habits, He wants to annihilate them. He wants to sanctify the personality He created us with. It is my very Type A nature that allows me to juggle everything that I juggle, but I need to know when and how to let go and allow God to be God. So I am better now because I was honest with God.
My motives weren’t filthy but they weren’t holy either. Somewhere deep down I was expecting reciprocity, a quid pro quo. Jesus I did this therefore You need to do this. However, that is not how it works. God knows best, as cliché as it sounds. He has our very best interest at heart. More than we could ever love ourselves and want the best for ourselves, His love and intentions towards us immeasurably supersedes what we could want or do for ourselves. And so we must trust Him. We must trust Him even when we are pouring out and nobody pours back into us. We must trust Him to tell us when to move on from some friendships and which ones to mend. We must trust Him even in the face of unfulfilled promises, prophecies and dreams. We must trust Him to bring everything to pass. He is God and He cannot fail. We must trust Him to lovingly and firmly deal with our shortcomings. He loves us! He is not pointing out our issues to make us feel badly. Neither will He put a band aid on a wound that needs debridement!
So what happened? I confessed to Him that I was failing miserably in this area of my life. That although I had made strides I realise that there was still so much more work to do. I honestly didn’t intentionally set out for this to be a quid pro quo and I expressed how ashamed I felt. I asked Him to help me realise when I am operating in that mindset and to help me to fully let go. I am not there yet, but, I am more aware of it. And as GI Joe says “now you know, and knowing is half the battle”. No, I am not beating up myself, I have kicked that toxic trait. I am grateful for the people in my life who will not allow me to wallow in self pity. I am grateful for the truth and encouragement they give. And yes, I nervously wrote this one because I am very leery of being too transparent but hey…I am not the only one who needs to review really what is in our heart. If God has brought it to the surface, it means that He is ready to deal with it. One last thing before our questions, in this life, we will constantly have to bring these things before God. We will continually have to confess our weakness and our inabilities to do what He commissions. In so doing, we remind ourselves that it is indeed through Him Who strengthens us that we can do all things.
What is your true mindset and motive behind serving God? Is it quid pro quo?