I have been a Christian for almost 25 years and I have only one regret. I was not more faithful to God.
Truthfully, I tried desperately to live a life of perfectionism and failed miserably. This, while holding people to standards that I myself couldn’t attain…quite pharasaical. Yes! The only thing that would have disqualified me from being a member of the New Testament’s Sanhedrin Council was my gender…I digress.
This post was inspired by a recent conversation with someone. The conversations had suddenly moved from platonic to more than what I wanted them to be. More than what I was comfortable hearing. Now, last year, I would have welcomed the attention and contents of that conversation. I must confess that I might have laughed and very well encouraged it. And in so doing, I would have known fully well that it was a futile exercise in tantalizing my ear gate. I would have been feeding myself things that would detract from my purpose and contaminate the very things God has charged me to guard.
But as the conversation changed, my heart began to cry out vociferously: I am bent towards God and the things of God and nothing will change that. It was so loud in my spirit that I began to utter it aloud even when no one was around. So what changed?
My dear reader, May 2019 was my tipping point. I decided no more! I would no longer blatantly live in sin and work in ministry just because human eyes couldn’t see it. I could no longer settle for mediocrity. I knew what walking with God in close communion was like, and I had fallen very far from that. So I asked God to scrub me, to take the things from me that I could not give up on my own. And He has been answering that prayer! People, places, things and activities, that although not inherently evil, were no longer expedient. I did not make the process easy as I am very strong-willed. However, I got to the place where all I wanted was and is Jesus. Nothing between Jesus and I! I became hungrier than I had ever been. The awareness of my purpose was indelibly etched in the forefront of my mind. The call and anointing of God upon my life took primacy yet again.
Now, I’m far from perfect. In fact I’m perfectly imperfect, still failing from time to time but…my penchant is different. And I am quite content with that. My identity is now solely in Christ and not in my achievements, nor my shortcomings. The most shocking thing was, although I knew I was growing and that I had become more focused on God, He used that conversation to show me my heart. My heart is finally where it was created to be…in sweet communion with God. In a more mature space, a liberal space where, there is no price too great to pay in order to remain in His presence.
I remember declaring over and over to myself, to the person, to the deafening silence in early morning walks, in my devotional time, in the shower, as I was driving: I AM BENT TOWARDS GOD!! I’VE PRAYED TOO MUCH, CRIED TOO MUCH , CHANGED TOO MUCH AND I AM NOT GOING BACK TO WHERE I AM COMING FROM!!!
No, I am not perfect. I am simply bent towards God…
What’s your relationship status?