Just over a month ago I wrote about struggling to wait and it is amazing all that the Lord has done since my last blog post. Some changes happen more quickly than others and I firmly believe that our disposition has a lot to do with it. After writing that post I was honest with God about my struggle with waiting. I was honest and told Him that I didn’t want to throw anymore tantrums either. I was tired of those. I promised to stay out of the way and allow Him to work. In response He has sent me into a season of silence.
Now, if you knew me a few years ago you’d know that I dreaded silence. It was D who first told me that he drove often in complete silence so He could converse with God. Of course there is a time and place for everything but I tried it. It was hard at first. All the negative thoughts would come. All the things that I had to do would flood my mind; but I persevered. I kept doing it for as much as I could tolerate until now, when I drive alone I automatically turn the radio off and enjoy the silence. Sometimes I sing, sometimes I pray, sometimes I think about my process and sometimes I SMILE as I reflect – smiling was not something I did when I thought about myself so I know my counselor will rejoice when she reads this. Now, silence has become a solace – I suppose as we get older the things that we cherish change.
So this silence that God has plunged me into isn’t a scary silence. I would tell my close friends that I have nothing to say, I feel nothing, I couldn’t sing, I had no unction to pray, NOTHING! All I would do was sit in silence and search. I kept searching, I was yearning for more of God on a level that I had never encountered before. This silence is different – I cannot quite detail it for anyone to understand. I just know that somehow I am finally at a place where I am just like whatever God wants. I literally don’t know how I got there but I am there. God would wake me up every morning with a song about waiting – and yes I turned it into a playlist! Furthermore, He placed people in my life who are waiting. He has been using them to encourage me on my own journey. I literally told Him that I didn’t know how to #waitwell and that He needed to teach me.
The last part that He recently fixed was my giving up hope of getting some of what I am waiting for. As in, while waiting I stopped hoping all together. Nonetheless, God reminded me through lovingtothemacks that I need not give up. His promises are yea and amen and #waitingwell didn’t mean giving up on the things for which I am still waiting. So, waiting has gotten easier. It feels more peaceful and it is a lot less stressful to just rely on God (I know I know, that should be commonsensical but you know). And regardless of how profound the silence is, there is not a day that He doesn’t speak – the most beautiful part is the plethora of revelations that I have been receiving. I am finally understanding some things, finally receiving answers for some things and more often than not, in the most unexpected moments and ways. It is almost like Jesus and I have become best friends, we are taking time to get to know each other and I am learning to cherish the time with Him. Now we know He is all knowing but the limitations of the human vernacular regardless of language stymies my ability to fully explain how I have grown over the last six weeks. Not even hyperbolic parlance would do justice to what God has been and is doing in my life at this moment.
It is a beautiful season that I am in. I am finally embracing my process instead of running from it. I have a joy that no one can shake. Yes sometimes I get frustrated, I get tired, I still experience disappointment and sadness; but none of those things wear me down like they used to. My life is hid in Christ and whatever He does is perfectly done. He knows best and His plans are not to hurt me. He is love and out of that love flows great intentions toward me. I am resting assured that whatever happens, good, bad and in between, His will must prevail in my life and it can only be good eventually and overall.
So, how has your perspective on waiting changed? Are you getting better at waiting? Have you given up hope as you continue to wait?
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