We owe it to ourselves, and those for whom we will become midwives, to heal ourselves and our perspectives. Our internal narrative will affect our external actions. Sometimes we allow ourselves to believe the lies perpetrated by corrupt thought patterns. These thoughts can seem so real at times, that we allow them to dictate everything that we do and say. We allow these thoughts to become the standard bearer and through this internal, uncorroborated and nonfactual dialogue, we use experiences to create a false philosophy.
If we are honest with ourselves, how many times did we cause our imagination to prevent us from taking an opportunity? From seeking to make amends? From pursuing love and friendship? How many times did we think the absolute worst, only to have an actual conversation and learn that the opposite is what represents the truth? We must strike a delicate balance with our thoughts and experiences.
When our sense of self is broken and our self esteem demolished, the truth is that everything and everyone is offensive. We don’t know true agape love and we cannot identify it even if it hits us in the face and over our heads. Sometimes that broken sense of self and tattered self esteem is a result of serious manipulation. A type of captivity so severe that, in spite of how well trained and well learned we are, we don’t even recognize the profundity of our own bondage. And in that crippled state of menial existence, we oscillate between self loathing and some pitiful form of self love. All we see is dinge, dust, shame, guilt and guile. We feel irredeemable and unworthy of anything that looks remotely like love. Yet somehow, some of us, find it in ourselves to “minister to others” and “be there for others”. We use the crutch of busyness and the scaffolding of vitriolic “criticism” veiled behind a false sense of omniscience to avoid the real issue. You see, we will always be conduits at one point or another. If we were loved and nurtured that is what will perpetuate. If we were hated and criticized, that is what we will perpetuate.
However, there comes a time when it all comes to the fore, like a nasty, rotting gangrenous wound that requires immediate surgical debridement. Oh the process is so painful. The recovery can seem unending . And yes, sometimes it is a cycle of progress, regress and progress again. There are plateaus from which it seems you cannot recover. You want to give up, you want to give in. Wanting the transition is not enough to keep you going forward. The glimpses of freedom, the fleeting moments of joy and the hand of God Himself are what pull and push you through the transition.
You have not yet fully become but suddenly there is a great awakening. There is a dawning of a new day as you realise that wait, I am not as easily offended anymore. I am not as miserable anymore. I am not as burdened anymore. I don’t feel dirty and guilty anymore. I actually love myself now. Sometimes as we are going through the process, we can start to see some changes. However, one day the next level just smacks you in the face. You are different. You are healing yet, you are healed. You cannot quite figure out when it happened. You just know that you don’t have the same triggers anymore. It is not even something you can fully describe in a comprehensible manner. You have to experience it and live it for this release cannot be described with an earthly vernacular. The freedom that comes when those chains of manipulation are finally broken, and you receive the light of God’s love deep within your soul, is priceless. You have joy now and you can’t explain how you got it. All you know is that the more you heal, the more your self esteem is intact and the more sure and accepting you are of God’s love, the more freedom reaches spiritual crevices for which you have no name. That joy pierces your soul, your mind, the tangible and intangible you.
Eventually we get to a place where the sting of offenses are removed. We understand that offenses must come but we make provision for that. Why? People are imperfect and they will continue to be people. You are also people. And the grace and forgiveness that we are expecting to receive, we must first give. There comes a time, where through trial and error, we become conditioned to trust God. But unlike Pavlov’s experiment, our behavioral conditioning is rooted in the ethereal profundity of the God we serve. So whether the conditions are good or bad, we are healed enough to know that God, makes no mistakes. One way or another, He will work it out for His glory and for our good. We can love those who hurt us. We can extend grace to those who are still on their journey. We can give grace to ourselves understanding that we will still miss the mark de vez en cuando and we are okay with that. Our expectations are now placed on God and so His word buffers our thoughts and manages how we treat with other human beings.
The sweetest part of it all, I think, is being healed enough to start helping others. It is a shaky road. You are never sure of yourself. It might trigger old thought processes. However, just start. If God brought you to that, He knows more than you, that you are ready to moved from being delivered to delivering. And this will also unlock an entirely new level of healing. self discovery and self actualization. When you get there, you get the sweet whiff of purpose. No, it doesn’t mean that you are perfect and nothing negative will ever happen again. It simply means that you have acquired enough tools and training that “qualifies you” to be “appointed” in God’s hospital. You will find that you now know true contentment and you finally know what it is to rest in God. There’s this certain, unwavering, deep confidence that things will work out and you are not at a disadvantage. Regardless of what it looks like now, the waiting and the processing will be worth it.
So my friends, it’s question time.
What will it take for you to start the healing of yourself and your perspectives? Why are you discouraged and frustrated at the small, seemingly insignificant progress being made? When will you “graduate” so that you can now serve others and become their midwife?
GMW