Siiiiiggggghhhhhhhhhhhssssssss is the most appropriate way to start this blog. I really DESPISE waiting! And in this season it is hard for me to #waitwell (check out Renate & Jermaine McDonald they created the hashtag). If you’re close to me you know the struggle. A lot of tears, tantrums, disappointment, moments of difficulty praying and God’s deafening silence have characterized this season.
Don’t get me wrong, a lot of great things are happening in this same season. I’ve grown closer to the Lord yet I still struggle to have faith and #waitwell in some areas. In these areas sometimes I look on my life and lament how far it is from what I envisioned. Yet, even through the tears sometimes I still have to proclaim the truth of God’s Words and promises. Sometimes we are not ready to receive the very thing we are longing for. Our motives are not right. God knows how we will react if we get it too early. Or maybe we are not aligned to receive it. Three things I know to be true about my God: He is never early; He is never late; HE IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS ON TIME. Even as I’m writing I’m swallowing the lump in my throat.
Sometimes I just don’t get it. I just don’t understand. My day can start off with an awesome time in His presence. Then in the middle it turns to depression, grief, anger, disappointment and so much more. I desperately need to get off the rollercoaster and just BELIEVE FOR IT. That is the key. I have times when I am off that rollercoaster and I can breathe and I have perfect peace and all is well. I achieve acceptance. Then out of nowhere, just as I think I am making progress, it just hits me and I spiral deeply and quickly. Thankfully, I have grown and so I don’t stay in the spiral for too long. But I am tired. I am so very tired of the spiral. I desperately want off the rollercoaster and out of the spiral. I want to just land on belief where in faith I can stop questioning. I can just say whatever Lord, because I know it is for Your glory and my good. I want to be able to say Yes, You are enough God and mean it. I want to say that and live there. Not Yes when it is going good and No, when it seems like it isn’t working out.
I’m soooo very grateful for those who’ve been praying me through this season. I’m grateful for those to whom I can vent in confidence. They take even my offensive statements and love me through those moments. They demonstrate God’s unconditional love during my darkest moments. So even as I’m struggling to #waitwell, what have I learnt?
1. Be honest with how you feel. This is more for you than for God Who is Omniscient. God loves us and He can only operate from that place of perfect love. For those of us who have been abused and manipulated we treat God with the same paranoia and skepticism that we do everyone else. God is not a manipulator! He is perfect love and He wants what is best for us, more than we could ever desire the same for ourselves. We have to trust Him, His Word and His love.
2. Don’t dwell in or on how you feel. Processing is important. Get it out of your system through journaling or telling a confidant. If you sit with it, the enemy will drill the negative emotions into your mind and they will become a stronghold.
3. Replace the negative thoughts with affirmations of His promises. Even when you don’t believe it confess it, out loud. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word says the Bible.
4. Worship like your life depends on it because it does. If the words won’t come from your spirit play it from your favourite streaming service. Even when it feels like it’s not working, play it in the background. Fall asleep to it.
5. If you falter, repeat steps 1 to 4. God’s unseen hands are doing deep invisible healing work inside you. It is your destiny to be well. It is God’s will for you to experience Him. He is jealous over you and sometimes this waiting part of the process is Him allowing you to seek Him out more. Focus on the Promise Giver aka the Promise Keeper and not so much the promises made.
So, what are you waiting for? Will you join me as we learn to #waitwell?